Greatness isn’t achieved like this, Alexander the Great
Alexander the Great. Someone of that title seems, well, pretty great. Not this guy. Imagine a greedy-for-land killer that would even sentence innocent allies to death. Yeah, not so great now is he? Alexander was this dude who inherited the Macedonian Empire as well as the Greek City-States at the age.. you know what, guess. Wrong, at age freaking 20! Fast forward, well, not that much and you see the little king going on a conquest to do the seemingly impossible… to conquer the PERSIAN EMPIRE! 1
Okay, so he conquered 2,000,000 square miles of land before he died 2 (see image), yes that does seem great at first glance, but if you dig a bit deeper you find the treasure you’ve been looking for all along.. that Alexander was really greedy. Think about it, he could’ve been happy with 1 million sq. miles of land, ½ million sq. miles, or even less land, but no, he takes the whopping 2 million! Greedy, much?
Oh, also, he believed himself to be a GOD. Yeah, right. I don’t think so! Very self-conceited, if you ask me. Speaking of self-conceited, he had not 1 or 2, but 11 cities named after him (not seen above.. sorry). Don’t you think it’ll be at least a bit confusing with 11 Alexandria’s. I definitely think so, if not for you then.. What’s wrong with you? Just kidding, if not, then tip of the hat to you.
This guy isn’t just big-headed, he’s a cruel being too. Remember, he conquered 2 million square miles of land, think of all the hassle to get to that spot. Yes, death, lots of death. I know it seems dark and morbid, but it is true. In only 4 major battles, the estimated death count was 100,000 2! To add more to it, that’s only major battles. All of the town invasions and minor battles could easily add thousands to the death toll! Also he also sold 30,000 survivors as slaves and crucified 2,000 men of military age from his battle with Tyre 3.
By now I’m sure Mr. Alexander gives off the impression that he is a ruthless maniac. If so, good, then I’ve done my job. Transitioning to the next topic (that didn’t go as smoothly as I thought but.. whatever!), Alexander would even decapitate his own ally.
Maybe it was for good reasons. Don’t you think the “ally” could have been a traitor?
No, innocent reader! It wasn’t even close to that! In the story, The Legend of the Hat Band, Alexander the and his army are on a trireme, pretty much a battleship with oars, when suddenly, his hat flew off his head due to a strong gust of wind. Now in this moment, the hat sunk in the water while the band on the hat (hence, the name of the story) was riding on the wind until being caught on a reed not so far away. Here’s where the action happens. His very loyal sailor jumped off the boat and swam over to the band. Pause. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think where you should put the band? Don’t think about it too much. Your hands, right? Okay, to the 90% of you who thought of that, the sailor was smart, he put it on his head to get it to Alexander as dry as possible. Now for his act of loyalty, Alexander gave him an award of over $10,000! Then he ordered his head to get chopped off because apparently the prophets thought, quote from story, “He should not allow the head that had worn the royal head band to be safe.” Long story short, Alex and his crew were on a battleship when his hat flew off. His loyal sailor got it back for him only for his head get to go chop-chop just because he wore it. Yeah, Alexander’s that guy.
Whew! Hey, so I see you’ve made it to the end of my rant. Oh yeah, right, so in conclusion, Alexander the Great, Alexander the Not-Great, you have your opinion, I have mine, and I respect if you disagree but, I don’t think he was that great (if you haven’t already noticed). He decapitated allies, he was a greedy conquering maniac, and enslaves and crucifies people. Again, not so great if you ask me. Congrats! Nobody’s ever made it this far! The end, I guess a-and, end rant!
Sources n’ Stuff
- Overview: How Great Was Alexander the Great? Mini-Q
- “Alexander’s Legacy” Chart
- Alexander of Macedon, by Peter Green
